Category Archives: Journal

Ew. Mushy yucky feelings.

Once in a lifetime opportunity, but I must spend it alone…

This Sunday will be the only Easter 4/20 I will see.  I want to believe that there are stoners out there who share my faith, but I don’t know if I’ll ever find any… it’s not likely to happen by Sunday, at any rate.  I’ll try craigslist again, ask the one person I know who might participate to head out to the redwoods or something with me, browse meetup and look for some other possible resources, but I’m pretty sure I know what I’ll find…

This sucks.

Melancholy of Missing Out

I just read an article last night about the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO, apparently), a term to describe constantly needing to stay on social media and smart phones.  While I partially identified with the psychology being discussed, I didn’t feel that it accurately reflected my own internal processes.  Reflecting upon it this morning, I decided my psyche was much more abstract than a fear.  I constantly check email and Wikipedia and the news because (a) my brain wants to innovate solutions to problems; (b) I see the relationships between seemingly unrelated people, objects and activities, and catalog these relationships for future use; (c) I have been stuck for years, which spawns a whole mess of unhealthy desires; (d) I justify this electronic non-communication as “At least I’m looking for solutions to problems”.

I put the weight of the world’s problems on my own shoulders, partly out of a sick guilt complex, partly out of an unhealthy take on a healthy idea (applying lessons from one situation to another), and partly out of loneliness.  While the beauty magazine tried to tell me that everything I want is just waiting for me to go out and take it, the truth is that I want a strong, genuine, human connection almost all the time, but the people who I make these small connections with have their own lives to live.  There are about four or five guys who have been really supportive of me, and I’m making an effort to reach out to at least them, and many other friends who I’ve lost contact with…

But I’m a straight guy who’s never had a girlfriend, and I’m lonely.  Why don’t I try to do something about that?  Because I’m not ready.  I mean, I’m not emotionally, mentally or spiritually immature (I’m WAY more advanced than most young guys on those respects, even young guys as old as me).  No, my lack of preparation is simple personal instability: I’m struggling to recover from a long bout of depression (and I think my hips have been rotated 30 degrees to the right since forever).  I’m sickly and bent, I have terrible habits, my everything is coated with let’s say dust, I’m barely scraping together rent… I can continue, but I think I’ll just get out of this negativity hole my doing some stretches or dishes or something.

and this time, I mean it.

Depression, man.  I think I’ve decided on three things (really five, if you include diet & exercise) that contribute to mine (as I would express them):

  1. My self image & creative output (they are linked)
  2. An  inability to respond maturely to losing an audience (or the perception thereof)
  3. Fantastic “predictions” (read: daydreams) that I impose on people; some people I know, some people I see, some people I love, some people I am.

While I put the third one last, I think it’s my recent realization of this aspect of my psyche that has inspired me to change the things that I’ve been meaning to for a while now.

I haven’t done much more than reach out to some people (still unemployed, still eating crap, still sitting in front of a screen all day), but I feel changed.  I think I may have actually turned that corner…